Monday, 31 March 2008

I hate Bono

I really do, the guy is such a self-righteous wanker.

And then this happened.

12 years? 12 more bloody years of the same dad rock chords and projected catholic guilt?

Will some one please shut them up?

Mugabe kills Zimbabwe

Zimbabwe's first bout of election results are in, and guess what, they're probably fake.

The 24 parliamentary constituencies are split evenly.

This is very hard to believe as it is customary for countries to the brink of collapse to oust the person in charge.

And more to them. Mr Mugabe is responsible for human rights atrocities, dissolving any semblance of democracy, and enforcing state controlled media.

Call me crazy, but I just don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth.

I'll give to most Zimbabweans that the British screwed them over. This is true, colonialism really didn't do anyone any favours.

But we're not out to sabotage them now.

We're too busy buggering up Iraq and Afghanistan to go worry about countries we used to govern.

Thursday, 27 March 2008

Terminal 5 - hahaha!

All those who read this blog regularly will know of my obtuse hate for Heathrow and BAA.

So all I can say is:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And sorry to Mum, Dad, my brother and uncle who are all stuck there waiting for their luggage to re-appear.

Well, if you will go away over Easter......

The Hottie and the nottie 2

The Hottie and the Nottie continued their historic state visit during a painful time for England.

I wonder if President Sarkozy watched the game with her Majesty? Or was he put off by Prince Phillip?

Mr. Brown must have loved discussing his Entente Formidable, all the time knowing Sarkozy was chanting one nil in his head.

Really, this Entente sounds great. If anything it will move us away from America and the Bush administration, something most English have wanted since the start of the Iraq war.

But I have to wonder how long this will hold up in the current international climate?

Darfur is getting worse, the G8 needs more than a shake up and immigration - well, that's never a happy subject is it?

Well I have enjoyed the visit of the hottie and the nottie, I hope the hilarity continues.

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

The Hottie and the nottie

This blog WILL NOT have anything to do with Paris Hilton. It's just a useful title.

It will have a lot to do with these two:





See what I did there?




Anyway,
sorry for disappearing for a few days. Yes a lot of politics happened but I was pre-occupied with Jesus/Easter/The Eastenders omnibus (OhmyGod! Tanya's gone mental!)

So sorry for missing, well everything that happened over the Easter weekend.

It's not like Iran nicked any of our soldiers again.

Right, I'll stop rambling now.
Promise.

So, the Hottie and the Nottie have come to England's fair shores to meet the Queen.

And Sarzoky wants a closer relationship with Britain, and is using a lazy glove metaphor to convey his message.

Will some one please tell him this is the UK? We use soap opera's and comedy to broadcast important social messages.

Who looks like they have more common sense, exhibit A or exhibit B:





That's all I'm saying.

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

More Tibet

This says it all.

Free Tibet

After blaming his holiness the Dalai Lama for the results of his own totalitarianism, Wen Jiabo must be breathing a sigh of relief at the "settling" of violence in Tibet.

Chinese authourities are claiming more than 100 protesters have handed themselves in.

This is a country which imprisons journalists for "dissent", has committed too many crimes to list in the name of the Olympics, and has occupied a passive country for....what was the reason again?

I doubt very much these protesters handed themselves in.

And what proof has China supplied that they were even protesting?

The only media allowed into Tibet is state controlled Chinese media. Excuse me if I don't believe it.

Tuesday, 18 March 2008

Nice guys finish last

China has managed to put another Machiavellian foot wrong by blaming the Dalai Lama for the uprisings in Tibet.

Clever. Blaming the one religious leader the world DOESN'T hate for your own problems.

How is that going to improve you in the eyes of millions?

You already have a Communist regime (they just love those in the West) which managed to piss off Buddhist monks.

They spend their whole life in a state of spiritual meditation. How do you manage to annoy someone like that?

And to top it all off, rock stars from the likes of Thom Yorke to Bono (wanker) have played Free Tibet concerts.

Oh, and you're regime is oppressive and totalitarian.

Please, don't blame the Dalai Lama, he was just doing what is best for his people. And that will never involve China.

On another note.....


What's a girl gotta do to get some people to comment around here? I still want to collect as many global warming facts/myths/fears as possible.

Get commenting people!

Monday, 17 March 2008

Melting glaciers = doom

Glaciers are shrinking at the fastest rate since records began, according to new data supplied by the UN environment programme.

Experts have called for immediate action to stop this growing 'trend'.

But I'm already convinced we're fucked.

There are now so many rumours/consequences to global warming, I'm not sure who to listen to.

I am very very scarred though.

These are the worst ones I've heard so far:


I'm not sure which one of these are true, so if people could comment and let me know if they are. Also, please comment and leave the worst facts about global warming that you've heard.

1.) In 90 years there won't be enough air to breathe and we'll all suffocate.

2.) There will be no snow on the alps in 20 years time.

3.) London and New York will be flooded.

4.) Mass famine will ensue after we run out of food and water.

5.) What we're experiencing now is only the beginning as its taken this long for the carbon from the Industrial revolution to catch on to oxygen molecules.

6.) We're going to turn into Venus.

7.) Polar bears are now so depressed at the loss of their natural habitat they are trying to commit suicide.

And the day had started off so well......

Friday, 14 March 2008

The MPs are spoiling themselves.

All MPs expense accounts look set to be published, detailing how much they blew and on whom, as far as 2004.


Did you notice how I forwent a blow job joke in that last sentence? Event though this is the UK, and we don't have Elliot Spitzer, I still feel it was a sign of my growing maturity.

MPs will still get a second home allowance. Part of this is a £10,000 allowance for their kitchens.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I can't afford to pay water bill in my shoebox flat and those fuckers get extra money for a SECOND home?

Piss takers.

I want to see a mandatory minimum wage allowance inflicted on all the fuckers! Lets see how they many affairs they have when they can't afford an oyster card!

Thursday, 13 March 2008

A very American sex scandal

The prostitute at the centre of the New York governor's um, indiscretions, has been named as Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

Working for a high end prostitution ring, she had been recorded agreeing to meet Elliot Spitzer at a Washington hotel.

Only in America would the public go so mental over a politician diddling someone who wasn't his wife.

Look at the French President. He married this hottie:


Thanks to www.panzerfaust.org for the photo.

She was quoted as saying "monogamy is boring".

And you're worried about a man who looks like a balding blowfish paying for pussy?

How else is he going to get it?

His long suffering wife probably doesn't want to help, and can you blame her?



Bleugh! Can you having that roll on top of you in the morning? No ta.

Anyway, thanks to Mr Spitzer from reminding us all why political sex scandals are always more entertaining than celebrity sex scandals.

If there's one thing more entertaining than beautiful people doing it its knowing that ugly people can get it and be exposed as hypocrites at the same time.

Wednesday, 12 March 2008

Budget bollocks

Darling's first budget report has emphasised on the world economic slowdown and Britain's strong economy.

He made no mention of his failings with Northern Rock and made a lot of mention about building a better future.

Great.

He also imposed another rise of fags and used tax to try to prevent binge drinking.

After getting a big slap on the back from his master Gorden, Darling sat as his lap, smiling to himself.

I wonder if he was waiting for a dog biscuit.

There was a lot in the budget about tackling climate change. Again, the only way the government seems to be able to do this is by taxing everyone.

Can't they take some new ideas on board? Like ban plastic bag production within the UK and their sale/usage by supermarkets?

It would have correlated nicely with Nick Clegg's question about big business' role in government and backed up Grown's answer that he supports all these limitations on funding.

If he supports them, why hasn't he imposed them?

Budget fun

The butt of every political joke from the last six months is due to announce his first budget later today.

The real question this poses: how many Tory policies can New Labour steal in one fell swoop?

Despite my vitriolic hate for all things Conservative.....no, nope, still don't feel sorry for them.

When did British politics become this bland?

Gone are the days when working class Britain was represented by gravelly voiced Tony Benn as he pissed off his own party's PM and annoyed Margaret Thatcher.

And what are we left with? A choice between Iron Man and his bitch:




and a smarmy bastard and his witty yet yappy cocker spaniel:



Meh.

I'm considering taking bets on what new policies are issued/stolen so look for the girl with lots of cash having a numerical meltdown.

Actually scrap that description. People will only confuse me with Darling.

Tuesday, 11 March 2008

Oath of annoyance

School-leavers should be forced to take an oath of allegiance to Queen and country in a bid to brainwash, sorry, coerce young citizens into feelings of nationalistic pride.

The report was carried out by Lord Goldsmith (once attorney general) who was probably fed up at those young hoodie wearing whippersnappers treating his court like it had a revolving door.

So under New Labour we've had ASBO's top up fees and some mutterings about raising the drinking age to 21.

Art and community centres have been shut down leaving no where safe, warm and cheap (or even free) for young people to go.

And no one from the age of 15 should be forced to sit round their parents house on a Friday night.

But some bright spark thinks an oath will stop young people in the UK feeling (tick correct box)
1.) isolated
2.) cheated
3.) bored
4.) broke
5.) freezing cold
6.) really bored
7.) really broke
8.) really really bored
9.) screwed over

Will someone please explain this to the people in charge.

Monday, 10 March 2008

You know your in England when.....

Bad weather is battering the South coasts of England in what is reported to be the worst storm this winter.

This wouldn't be ground breaking news for Britain - our weather is so bad Romantics wrote crappy poems about it - apart from the structural damage its causing.

Houses are falling down, street lights are swinging freely, and the tube lines are part suspended.

I'm not sure if that last ones connected but I'd be surprised if someone at TFL didn't try to blame it on the bad weather.

Another one of the UK's adorable foibles is its inability to cope with any weather that isn't bland.

Rain drops spitting horizontally? No problem in the UK, its like that every day.

Snow? Gales? Hail? Proper rain? Then we're fucked. Real weather comes but once a year and we're always under-prepared for anything other than looting.

Friday, 7 March 2008

Fuck it - its Friday

Because its a slow news day and a Friday I'm going to indulge in some needless subject matter.

This case comes again from that little jem - the Metro's wierd section.

The headline: French Mayor bans dying.

It was President Roosevelt that said there were two certainties in life; death and taxes.

Thanks to 21st century politics we can rule out the only escape from paying taxes.

Apparently the cemetery is full in the small French town of Sarpounex.

No one is allowed to die there as there's no room in the inn.

Go figure. But where would we be without all these little diversions to distract us from the abject misery in the Middle East today?

Thursday, 6 March 2008

A crappy compromise

Home secretary Jacqui Smith has announced changes to the ID cards scheme, now set to launch fully in 2011/2012.

Look what else happens that year.

Most people will now not have to give their finger prints or any other distinguishing parts of their body - until 2011/2012.

So instead of scrapping a massively unpopular, illiberal scheme, New Labour are just pushing it back a bit in hopes no one will notice.

There are a few character traits I've always liked about the Uk. A fear of totalitarianism instilled in every fetus is one of them.

We also gave the world this man:



Ignoring the starry eyes and weird tasche, he did give the world 1984 and every British child since has been forced to read it.

Jacqui Smith has now earned herself the tag Big Mother, which are words when put together no woman wants to hear.

We have passports and drivers licenses. You can't set foot in a pub in the UK without producing one of them.

So I think we're doing fine on the ID part. No one aside from myself, my doctor and the arresting officer needs my fingerprint details.

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

Will it ever end?

Proving that politics is a marathon not a sprint, Hilary Clinton has kept up her White House hopes by winning Texas, Ohio and Rhode Island.

And McCain just keeps on winning.

There needs to be an opposing candidate for the democrats. It wouldn't be democracy if it was just one candidate running.

Does it have to be a Republican?

Can't the Hilary/Obama harpy just fight Ralph Nader?

It would be a much more entertaining fight.

Plus, I'm exhausted from watching this show, and no ones been declared as official candidates yet.

Will one of them concede defeat and full quietly and bitterly into the Vice President position?

Then they can turn their rage inward and save it for the next Presidential elections in 2012.

Oh fucking democracy! Why are there always more elections?

Sorry, minor Kim Jong-Il digression there.

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

Reasons to love the UK no.2

There is still much confusion over the 24 hour licensing laws introduced to stop the flow of ASBOs doled out to drunks across the land.

Everyone in charge reckons it works, those drinking agree.

Everyone trying to get elected thinks it a total waste of time. Those doling out ASBOs agree.

If you're still keeping up, this is another reason to love the UK. Why? you might ask.

Well because the circular nature of this debate keeps us, who know the real reason people binge drink, laughing.

Reducing or lengthening the time people can consume alcohol really won't change much.

People will get their hands on it, if they want it enough, regardless of the time of day.

So binge drinking won't be solved either.

The governments, both New Labour and Tory, could try to stop flogging of community centres to supermarket chains, but then they wouldn't make any money to fund defence policies, would they?

And what's binge drinking when more nuclear arms are needed?

Reasons to love the UK no.1

Pig farmers are marching on Westminster to raise awareness/register their frustration at falling pork profits

The industry is spiraling out of control after pig feed prices doubled.

There may be a pork shortage next year.

As scarred as I might be, there is a worryingly high rate of obesity in this country.

If a few bacon free fry ups is all I have to endure to cut down the rate of a life threatening condition, and prevent Jimmy Carr making more fat jokes, then so be it.

I'm also really, really looking forward to seeing the photos on the 1 o' clock news of a bunch of pissed pigs and their farmers.

I just pity the person who has to pick up the pig poo.

Monday, 3 March 2008

Not a good day for nurses

Colin Norris, the nurse found guilty of murdering 4 of his patients, has completed what has been a very shitty day for an underpaid, understaffed and under appreciated profession.

The conviction comes after a peer in the House of Lords claimed nursing staff at Bath's Royal Hospital were "grubby and promiscuous".

That sound you can hear is a slow, sarcastic hand clap coming from my desk.

What. An. Idiot. When was the last time this peer had to work a low paying job looking after people with little to no hygiene standard?

This is why living in the UK can become so frustrating.

These people are actually in charge. And its rarely by a democratic vote. Its usually because they were born to the right person at the right time.

And I'm guessing this peer doesn't like anyone who buys their own furniture.

Iran vs Iraq

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has continued his mission to piss off everyone Western by leading Iran's first official visit to Iraq since the American occupation began.

Strutting onto a red carpet in Baghdad, President Ahmadinejad has again, chosen his moment carefully.

Allied forces are tense due to Prince Harry's evacuation to Britain, after a news blackout failed to stop coverage of his time on the front line.

Its the Easter fiasco all over again. This is a strategically chosen time to show up and try to expose allied security provisions as a shambles.

Doesn't he know that we can do that on our own?

Mr Ahmadinejad tried his best to smooth over centuries of hatred between Arabs and Persians by indulging in his favorite past time; slagging off the West.

While he made some good points about Western occupation of Arab states encouraging terrorism, his comments failed to have resonance due to his international status as a "nutter."

If Iran decides to join everyone else in the 21st century by recognising women's rights and civil rights for LGBT, then maybe, just maybe we might take him seriously.

No, scrap that. Most politicians are nuts. It just doesn't help we live in an age of Islamaphobia.

And now the end is near......

Its the last push for Clinton as she goes in guns blazing to try and win the democratic nomination.

And she will need a gun, as prying it from Obama's cold dead hands may well be the only way she can win it.

But wait, what's this? A political scandal looming?

Antoin Rezko's trial starts today.

"Tony" (didn't anyone learn anything from the Sopranos?) Rezko is up on corruption charges.

The prosecution claims Mr Rezko accepted bribes from companies looking to break into Illinois, where Mr Rezko had a plethora of political contacts.

This included Barack Obama. His 1996 campaign for Illinois senate was part funded by Mr Rezko.

And just do make matters more dubious, Obama bought and set up camp in Mr Rezko's old house.

I love the smell of scandal in the morning.

Sunday, 2 March 2008

Chelsea for President?

The real star of the democratic primaries has emerged as Chelsea clinton.

Gone is the gwaky teenager and in her place; a female version of Bill.

Which is what everyone really wants, isn't it?

Hilary may have the knoweldge, connections, political know how but she also has the charisma of an autistic ant.

Shame, really. After Obama's message of hope has precurred no policies, I'm starting to warm to Lady Clinton a little more.

Chelsea seems to surpass both her parents.

She has Bill's charisma, Hilary's intelligence and her own sense of self.

Alright, it would mean more of the Clinton dynasty, but if Republicans are going to have dynasties then so should democrats.

It took a Cliton to clear up the mess made by the last Bush; America could probably use another one.

What's important is not to forget our mantra;

NOT McCain, NOT McCain, NOT McCain.