Wednesday, 30 April 2008

The squid that makes me squirm

Scientists dissectingthe worlds largest squid have measured its eyes in an extra attempt to make everyone squirm in fear.

Should we be terrified by this news story? My worst nightmares consist of 2 things.

They are:

1.) Being chased by those monsters from 28 days later with no Cillian Murphy to rescue me.
2.) This.

Just look at it! It's 10 meters long and has a colossal in front of its name.

It looks like something from Alien vs. Predator - the Natural History version.

It's. Just. Really. Cool.


Horray! House prices fall!

Another day, another house price/credit crunch story designed to scare the living crap out of middle class home owners.

Imagine it: you've saved for years, poured your heart and soul into it, maybe even borrowed money from the dodgy looking Ocean finance people, only to have your only considerable asset loose a grand.

On behalf of first time buyers everywhere, can I say: I don't care.

Oh no, when the world goes balls up you won't have anything to sell. How tragic.

I live in a shoebox in North London. The building shakes every time the trains go past. The kitchen is so small I keep bumping my head on the ceiling whenever I want to take my dinner out of the oven.

Bring on the credit crunch. I might actually be able to afford a house.

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

A duschebag and a turd sandwich.

London mayoral elections are finally upon us, and thank fucking God, because if I have to look at Ken and Boris one more time I'll hand the keys to the city over the next passing totalitarian operation.

This election has brought every self publicising idiot out of the woodwork, and yes, that does mean George Galloway is running.

We do have a 3rd option, and a voting system which might allow him to win.

Brian Paddick has had an actual job (he was the copper in charge of Brixton) has proved he can run things (hard drug crime plummeted after he relaxed the cannabis laws) and, SHOCK! HORROR! sounds like he might be in touch.

If anyone living in London is reading this please vote for him. Don't give in to having to choose between a giant duschebag and a turd sandwich.

UN talks about food crises

The UN has set up a "food crises task force" to tackle to starvation/riots/imminent conflicts which are arising due to the high price in food.

Remember the UN? They were the body which used to spearhead liberal interventions (e.g Bosnia) before George W. Bush bypassed their laws to invade Iraq, thus rendering them useless.

So will this really help?

Well, the WHO has been a major success.

Its just everything else that screwed up.

After BBC1's Panorama programme last night, its hard to trust the UN.

To be honest, its hard to trust Panorama these days. Once the jewel in the BBC current affairs crown, its been cut down to half an hour on a Monday to lure "younger" viewers.

This is the programme that sent former Blur bassist aka most useless person in Britian to Columbia to investigate cocaine production.

My only regret in watching that episode was that he did not get shot.

As the younger viewer they're trying to lure may I suggest broadcasting a programme in which there may be some relevance to my age. E.g Why do the media portray anyone under 25 as a knife toting, hoodie wearing death threat?

But I digress.

The main problem with food shortages is biofuel.

With climate change imminent, we can no longer keep going at the rate we are. No amount of biofuel is going to change our fate.

Only slowing down will.

Monday, 28 April 2008

Another human interest story too far.

A 73 year old Austrian man has confessed to imprisoning his daughter in a cellar and fathering her 7 children.

Dear God people, was 1 cellar rape story not enough?

This story does show us that even in the happy land of post feminism, there are still men out there willing to hold women in literal slavery.

How does some one stay alive without trees, blue skies and bird song that long?

There have been far too many cellars and abuse stories this year. First that Jersey thing and now this. That's quite enough thank you.

I would like to think that this story has come out in light of the children's home in Jersey. That someone realised quite how sick they were and decided to finally do the right thing.

But somehow I doubt that. I'm just left wondering about the prospect of more cellars and more women locked away.

Sheer lazyness

I'm back. Sort of.

Due to a lack of internet connection and an addiction to Midsummer Murders, I decided to take some time off from slagging important people off and the threat of defamation suits.

Of course I'm not an "I'm". I'm too much of a coward to face up to posting my actual face next this blog.

So really I could be anyone. Maybe I'm a massive tranny hooker hoping to finally get my big break on Dirty Sexy Money.

Or maybe I live in a basement working on copies of my socialist news letter, living in hope of the day I finally take the man down.

Or maybe I'm just a nice girl from the home counties with too much time on my hands.

But enough about me. Let bitch fest May 2008 commence.

Thursday, 10 April 2008

Tony Blair denounced, again.

The High Court has ruled that the Serious Fraud Office failed to do its job by not investigating a case of, um, serious fraud.

The case in question is a 43bn arms deal with the Saudi Arabian government.

Defence firm BAE has been accused of offering kick backs to Saudi officials in exchange for contracts.

The Serious Fraud Office say an investigation would compromise national security.

Oh please. No one has been taking that excuse seriously since a Glaswegian baggage handler punched a terrorist and (temporarily) made everyone proud of Glasgow.

Would compromise national security? Would compromise certain ministers security, more like.

The only compromise to British security was made by the Blair government when it refused to defend the morals it had gotten elected on.

Sunday, 6 April 2008

China's PR nightmare

The olympic torch has continued its journey across the globe, leaving unbridled controversy in its wake.

This is inevitable when your country committs human rights atrocities acoss the globe.

I'm English, trust me, I should know.

Tere was scuffling, someone tried to take out a blue Peter presenter, and a fire extinguisher was branded.

And China refuses to comment unless its to slag off the Dalai Lama.

I'm sure its nice sitting up there, watching the economy develop, counting down the days until their a super power.

But please, do not expect people to come to you.

China, you fucked up. A lot. Almost as bad as we did. Skip the years of hositility, wathdraw and apologise. NOW.

Or there will be no more money spinning, revenue rainbows like the olympics coming to Beijing/Shangai again.

Friday, 4 April 2008

I hate Terminal 5

With the Easter holidays finally arriving I was looking forward to going to as many gigs as possible.

I had Calvin Harris tickets. After my initial apprehension (he did sound like an inbred mutant on Tmobile act unsigned) he turned out to put on stonking live show in Sydney.

So imagine my joy when I found he was playing in my home town. Until THIS happened.


I blame this completely on terminal 5. They lost his baggage containing the only copy of his new album.

My like of him increased when he threatened to burn down T5. I have made no secret of my vitriolic hatred of BAA and their minions of doom, BA.

These feelings are inevitable if you grow up under the Heathrow flight path.

And I'm sure somehow, (even though these cancellations are blamed on "European commitment's) this is T5's fault.

Bet DJ Yoda would never pull this shit.

This looks like its going to get violent.

Robert Mugabe is briefing his tyrannical Zanu PF party on how to cope with the "official" Presidential results.

The election has resulted in a stalemate, with Mugabe wandering through a tyrants no man's land.

Wander what the brochure for that looks like? Do you think they have a buffet lunch while discussing spin? I bet the lecture on how to cover up indiscretions is fun.

Anyway, I digress.

Despite an estimated 8000 ghost votes and pulling every string in the Kennedy/Bush sponsored how to rig an election manual, the election has shown no overall winner.

What's the chance that the opposition won by a landslide which is now being countered by all the BS Mugabe would muster?

Given Mugabe's track record that's a lot of BS.

It would be great if democratic values prevailed and the opposition leader was put in power.

But this is the reality of Iraq, Terminal 5 and Chechnya. With Zimbabwean refugees fleeing to South Africa there may only be Mugabe's croanies left in the country.

Wednesday, 2 April 2008

This is amazing

Whilst trawling the web for in depth news on the American primaries, I found this.

God bless the Metro weird section!

I now feel that no political campaign would be complete without a cross dressing dwarf.

Tuesday, 1 April 2008

Severed head found by children

No I didn't make that up.

Two children playing on a beach in Angus have found the decapitated remains of a woman wrapped in a plastic bag.

Well that's bound to screw them up for life.

After the discovery the children notified their mother, who called the police.

What is going on at the moment? Human interest stories seem to have gotten completely out of hand on this fair isle.

There's that whole Jersey thing going on at the moment, (it makes me grimace) Shannon, Scarlett and (always) Maddie, what's next?

Some one kidnaps Alistair Darling, sells him to white slave dealers only for him to paddle to freedom in a canoe?

Zimbabwe gets worse

Full election results have yet to be declared in Zimbabwe.

Don't worry, I'm sure Mugabe will "win".

Morgan Tsvangirai has gone into hiding amid fears for his life. He's still declaring a landslide victory for his Zanu-PF party.

Just when Zimbabwe looks like it might collapse, Mugabe continues to grip onto power.

That's what mortgaging everything to China will do for you.

Sorry for stating this obvious,
but this has an imminent sticky ending written all over it.