Friday, 29 February 2008

It didn't work

So click here instead.

Father Ted fanatics unite!

Fuck politics, religious satire is a far more adulterous affair!

Look elsewhere for your Brown's, Cameron's, Clegg's and Darlings because today is all about Ted fest!

Back when the sitcom was still considered entertaining, a show about ostracized Priests ruled channel 4's Friday night line up.

It also clashed with Red Dwarf. Whichever TV executive thought that one up should be exiled from England.


Now that various islanders have stopped bitching about who owns what, the festival is back on!

There's a golden clerics awards and a lovely girls festival!

Best of all there will be a bunch of pissed up punters in religious fancy dress shouting Feck! and Arse! at one another.

I just hope someone tries to reenact the episode with the speeding milkfloat.

I've tried to up load it here, so enjoy!

Thursday, 28 February 2008

Network Rail and their shopping list of doom

Network rail have been fined a record £14 million for being really good at running an appalling transport service.

The British public appreciate the government trying to punish the peons in charge of NR. We really do. After the years of waiting in the cold for a mythical train that never arrives, its nice to see someone with power attempt to tell them they're shit.

Unfortunatly a fine of £14 million means Network Rail will be jacking up ticket fairs to pay for it.

Which really means we, and primarily me, will be paying for it.

I can't drive and I want to protect the environment. To achieve this I spend a lot of time on trains at great expense to me.

And now taking a 40 minute ride from Paddington to Maidenhead which already costs too much, will now probably cost more than £10.

So well done the government for trying to teach the peons in charge a lesson.

Its just a shame you've proved yourself to be peons in charge as well.

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Turbulence for Big Ben

Anti-Heathrow expansion protesters have scaled the Houses of Parliament in protest over plans for a 3rd runway.

These protests echo the ones two days ago when protesters climbed on top of a plane and lowered banners voicing their opposition to the pointless expansion.

Having grown up in the Windsor/Maidenhead/Slough triangle of doom, all I can say is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Take that you BAA twats! Because of your fucking flight path I now can't sleep unless there is a large amount of background noise.

Why don't you grow up in a flight path AND next to the M4? Then we'll talk about aviation expansion.

I'm already from a land populated by these:

And a 3rd runway will means loads more of these:

Or, if you were in the UK last night, it will be like sleeping through that earthquake every bloody night.

And 5.3 scale earthquakes are more like the first Blair term; it was fine the first time round but you don't want to repeat the experience.

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Points for Prozac

Anti-depressants have "shown" to have little clinical benefit for most patients.

There is much confusion over this subject. The doctor on BBC breakfast claims the placebos had the same effect as Prozac.

This doesn't mean that anti-depressants are useless. Apparently. But it probably does mean he's well aware most drug companies will sue at the smell of something slanderous, so he's being very, very careful.

The news anchors on the programme then became confused. Does this mean Prozac doesn't work? Are these special Placebo's? Does this mean that the Scientologists might win (NEVER!)?

I'm left with one question: what will Elizabeth Wurtzel do?

Anyway, back to the main point. Prozac, as with any other anti-depressant ability to be receptive will always depend on the patient. Every brain is different and so every drug will effect it differently.

Prozac, Lithium, Risperdol, these all need to beused in accordance with therapy.

Monday, 25 February 2008

Brown's defense

Gordon Brown has defended the House of Commons Speaker, Michael Martin, against claims he used air miles for personal use.

How much time has the Prime Minister spent defending his cabinet ministers/speakers/anyone he's ever appointed?

Surely this would add up to a massive amount of billable hours if he was a defense lawyer.

In fact, wouldn't he be much better/happier doing that for a living? He could stand there, doing that weird claw thing he does with his hand when reading a speech, and scare the jury into agreeing with him

Alright, may be I've gotten a little carried away after watching Michael Clayton

Mr Martin could probably use his help right now. They could cover up his mistakes, take down the witch hunt, and shout I'm Shira the God of Death! whilst torching down Tory HQ.

Shame that version won't have Tilda Swinton in it.

I'm so glad she won the oscar. And she brought up the ill fated Batman role of her co-star. Brilliant.

UK primaries?

A former minister has called for US style primaries to be used when choosing Westminister candidates.

This would expand the powers of accountability the electorate has. Apparently.

Could it be that Labour MP Frank Field has got a little carried away with the soap opera antics of the democratic primaries?

Does he hope that if we adopt what is regarded as one of the most old fashioned and (whisper it) undemocratic voting systems, people will be more interested in politics?

Alright, it would give the electorate more power. And Britain has been in a state of elective dictatorship for quite a while.

But how about we tackle the gaping black holes allowed by the FPTP system by replacing it with a form of PR?

While its been fun to watch the primaries from this side of the Atlantic, I don't think I could handle it over here. It would lead to an epidemic of voter fatigue.

Thursday, 21 February 2008

Bugging MPs

Labour MP Sadiq Kahn was bugged twice by Senior Police Officers while visiting terror suspect Babar Ahmed.

Despite a pledge known as the Wilson doctrine which is meant to prevent MP bugging, no laws have been broken.

Home Secretary Jackie Smith is ordering a review of the laws.

The UK parliamentary system was built on "organic" principles, i.e. it naturally progress with the age and not keep people in a rigid sense of tradition.

Only under, well everyone, this has translated mostly into an ignorance of most traditions if they're not legislated.

Except Royal Prerogative. Tony Blair LOVED using that one.

British Gas are full of hot air (sorry)

British Gas have announced record profits for this financial year, despite price rises under the guise "rising wholesale costs."

British Gas and their "parent" company Centrica have put this down to not knowing how wholesale prices will be effected by global warming, international terrorism, dwindling resources etc.

Basically, everything we've been dealing with on planet Earth for the past 20 years.

They've had the cheek to say they worked "diligently" to prevent a higher price rise.

There has been a high death rate among the elderly due to unaffordable heating in this country as far back as 2001.

And British Gas are prepared to pull this crap?

This is starting to remind me of the conditions that inspired Bolshevism. Not that I was actually there, but I did pay attention in history.

When basic technologies were withheld from honest, hard working people in the name of profit. And those in charge couldn't be arsed to come up with a decent excuse as to why everyone was freezing.

And mustaches like this were considered the height of fashion:

They probably needed the extra warmth.

Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Is this the end for Clinton?

Barack Obama has come closer to clinching the democratic nomination from Hilary Clinton.

Grabbing a victory in Wisconsin and predicted to win Hawaii, it looks like Mrs Clinton will have to settle for Vice President.

Which is really the best outcome. Why choose when you can have both?

Mr Obama has the charisma, the warmth and an unifying stance.

Mrs Clinton has the experience, the contacts and the Machiavellian streak needed in modern politics.

But enough of this serious political analysis. If you don't know the issues by now, well, why are you reading this blog?

Lets look at what separates these two; spouses.

In the red corner, Michelle Obama, a supportive wife and mother, with an admirable reluctance to leave her grass roots causes.

I've never once see her smile during this campaign but I'll attribute this to being made to wear boring suits.

The one linked to hear proves a time tested theory; Yoda maybe a spiritual guide, but he is defiantly NOT a style one.

In the slightly more pink corner, Former President Bill Clinton, the man who seduced the voting public with his saxaphone and bored a nation by sleeping with an intern.

Has spent most of the campaign by his wife's side slagging of Obama. Which would be unfair, if Obama had not had Oprah's support.

In an ideal situation Obama would win the Presidential election, divorce Michelle, and marry Bill.

This would prove his stance as a tolerant, progressive President and give us an entertaining first partner for the next four years.

Can you imagine what will happen when Bill has another affair? Screw the Britney scandal, this one would be much, much more entertaining!

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Net news

A former Lord Chancellor has called for all articles referring to high profile court cases to be removed from the web.

Lord Falconer believes this will prevent contempt of court via the web.

Never mind that the UK has very tight libel laws (yet somehow Rupert Murdoch flourishes? Go figure.)

This another case of the web phobia exercised so frequently by those who are older and in power.

The media is terrified of it. So are all governments. And now the legislature have proven to be scarred shitless as well.

Chances are, if the judge simply prevents the jury from having internet access during the trial and briefs them thoroughly on what they can and cannot do, there will be no need to encroach on freedom of speech.

Fidel Castro retires

Fidel Castro has announced his retirement at the grand old age of 81.

Dashing (my) hopes of his immortality, he wrote a formal letter to the communist party stating that he would "no longer accept the position of president of the council of state and commander in chief."

I in no way endorse communism. Rather, my hopes for his immortality stem from a wish to see him as a cartoonish super-villan, ruling over Cuba from his golden throne and throwing his enemies to the rancor.

It looks as if the cold war is ending for good. If embargo's don't get them, death will.

Monday, 18 February 2008

The mental health of UK law

In the UK we have a national bank being thrown on a sword, and an international scandal resurfacing..

Am I going to blog on either of these important newsworthy items?

Am I fuck.

Nope, today its time to giggle at tabloid goons.

First there's Mr Al Fayed.

Suffering from grief over the death of his son, someone, somewhere, has agreed to represent him in tribunal proceedings.

Should someone who is in denail over, well, so many things, be allowed to drag this all up again?

Consider Mr Al Fayed's argument for a minute: Princess Diana was killed by MI5 and Prince Phillip.

I can see the headline now: Prince who looks like vulture murders Princess adored by millions

I would love this conspiracy to be true. Its the sort of thing Alan Moore could whip into a fantastic comic book and then have ruined when its adapted into a film.

But there is a slight problem; its clearly complete bollocks.

Does anyone seriously entertain the idea that Prince Philip would be allowed to do this? Or for that matter, could?

Mr Al Fayed has proven his insanity before, and here he proves it again.

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Australia apologies

Australia has apologised for the stolen generations.

And may I say bravo.

Apologies are given because they are needed and allow people to move on.

We may all be victims of our history, but at least Australia is embracing the bad as well as the good parts of their history.

Britian still refuses to apologise for slavery, colonialism and the miners strike.

I'm in no position to apologise for any of these as the only power I hold is over my flatmate and its to do with the remote control.

But I can apologise for these people:

I'm really sorry Britian unleashed these psuedo feminist wannabes on your children.

We didn't mean to over sexualise young girls. Britian just wanted to have an export for a change.

Primaries are confusing

Barack Obama has won the primary democratic polls.

This may finally give him the lead over Lady Clinton.

Mrs Clinton is not down and out. There are still battles to be fought in Texas and Ohio.

Notourisly democratic places, I'm sure.

One taught the world how many different meats you can add to your beef burger and gave the world George W. Bush.

The other has big lakes. Really big ones. So I'm told.

Anyway, whats important is that looks like Obama might win.

Which means good news for everyone. Except Mrs Clinton.

I hope Obama sticks to his promise and makes her his deputy. As much as his message of hope and change is appluadable, he will need her experience.

Just so long as its not John McCain. PLEASE not him.

Monday, 11 February 2008

More eyebrow related conspiracy theories

Another day and another man with giant dark eyebrows makes an arse of himself/his profession/his country.

In this case its the Archbishop of Canterbury, who looks like this:

Also in the news, mess caused by this man:

You see the simliarties? Both have gigantic eyebrows. Both create massive scandals that threaten to send Britian back to the dark ages. Both refuse to resign.

Alright, I see the point Dr Williams was trying to make.

In the interest of unity in Britan you've got to allow certain beliefs to be represented by leglislation.

One problem; since Church and state have been seperated in the UK everyone has been much, MUCH happier.

That and Dr Williams has made other stupid comments in the past.

Remember this guy:

He got pissed off with the church because they wouldn't allow him a divorce so that he could legally get his leg over Anne Bolyen and produce a male hier.

So he dumped Rome and brought the church and state under his durstiction and it all went a little wrong for a while.

But we did get rid of clergy based law. And despite every European thinking we were hertics and occassionally sending armadas to bring us back to Catholicism, we've been quite happy.

It also meant that British actresses would have a part to play no matter how underwritten other female roles became.

The ironic part is that while Dr Williams may have made those comments in a bid to unite the UK, he has again divided it.

Thursday, 7 February 2008

Democratic deadlock

Obama vs. Hilary looks set to drag out as no one wants to choose between two symbols of 21st century equality.

This has completely ruined the entertainment value of the primaries.

Waiting for the outcome of the primaries was like waiting to find out who shot JR on Dallas.

Or for those of us under 40, like waiting to find out who the hell the Others are in the second series of Lost.

Infact, this primary has turned out a lot like the second series of Lost; a lot of climatic promise followed by a very annoying lack of answers.

But the potential guardians of the new world may have the decision made for them by an old world tradition.

Money, or lack of it, may force Clinton to quit.

Its ironic that a feminist who fell out of favour with her peers should be prevented from her goal by lack of money.

A room of one's own and a little money is all Ms Clinton may have needed.

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Super Tuesday

Super Tuesday is finally here! Only I'm in Australia and its technically Super Wednesday due to the mega time difference.

The Republican outcome is a no brainer. Which is fitting, considering the political party.

And before anyone gets iffy because I'm stating the obvious about the Republican party, remember that it produced this world leader.

And this one

Not the best track record.

The big race remains between Hilary and Obama. She may have the lead in the polls, but as New Hampshire showed, those really are about as realistic as Paris Hilton's pledge of visiting Rwanda was.

Can she even spell Ruwanda? I wouldn't be surprised if Bush or Reagan couldn't.

Best of luck to Hilary, sorry you married a charismatic wanker, but don't think that any of the electorate owe you anything.

Best of luck to Obama, sorry your wife always look frosty, and don't play the race card. Its just very....predictable.

Bring on the election and November 2008 and a new era.

Saturday, 2 February 2008

One last detail...

I forget about one prime ranting point;

Blair wants to become European President? WTF?

Do yourselves a favour Europe - just say non!

We had him for 3 years and where did it get us?

Iraq and Afghanistan. There were talks of touring Iran, but by that time it had become clear the man couldn't organise an orgy in a brothel.

Don't elect him. He'll try and seduce you with a quick guitar strum and a REALLY fake smile, but don't believe it!

If you do, you could end up like these two.

The poltiics of Middle Eastern peace

Former PM Tony Blair has told the Times he is confident a peace deal in the Middle East can be reached within a year.

This comes after the talks about having talks Bush hosted and the Paris Donor's conference.

So far a massive amount of aid (particularly money) has been pledged towards a two state solution.

£2.8bn has been pledged to "state build". This comes in ontop of the annual aid sent to Palestinian refugees.

As admirable as this may sound, throwing money at the problem isn't going to fix it.

How do you repair people scarred by eviction from their ancestrial lands because someother people's ancestors lived there once.

And how do you encourage a people so fiercely protective of their nation state because its the only one their religion has?

I wouldn't have put this man incharge.

It would be like putting this man in charge of an AA meeting.

Friday, 1 February 2008

The trials and tribulations of living in England

Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.

This is due to our nations fascination with the big orange ball in the sky.

Due to weather that can only be described as consistently crappy, whenever Mr. Sun pops up everyone leaves their homes/offices to stare at the fucker.

Not this week though! Despite a surprisngly sunny and charming Sunday morning, Winter has returned with one thing on its mind; how to grind English transport systems to a complete halt.

Not content with causing road crashes or endless train delays, the bad weather is now attacking Ferry's.

That's right. Not content with grinding the country to a halt, the bad weather is attacking a vehicle synonmous with bordem and vomit.

Having had enough of this I've decided to flee the hemisphere in search of soemthing warmer.

I'm off to Australia for a fortnight, but don't worry, I'll still be slagging off whatever and whoever.

Marvellous thing, this internet.

But I'm also off to the land of neighbours to find me one of these:

Well, probably not this one. Try to understand, dating in London is pointless when everyone finds this sort of mutant attractive: