Saturday, 22 December 2007

Tony the Catholic

Tony Blair has converted to Catholicism.

No one in the UK is surprised as his wife and children are already catholic.

I'm starting to wonder if he waited this long to "come out" about his catholicism because it used to be considered bad form in this country to rule and be catholic.

After bloody mary and the millionth reformation someone decided that for the sake of continuity it would be best if the Protestants were in charge.

This didn't do us many favours in Ireland as it lead to a couple of centuries of oppression.

It doesn't make much difference now. When pushed to name their religion most people would probably tick box labelled Jedi.

Speaking on the Blair years, Tony complained about how people in American politics don't bat an eyelid at a politican talking openly about faith.

Here we just think you're a nutter.

Yes, some people have gasped in disbelief when I told them I was Christian, but I thought that was down to the misconception that cyncism and faith cannot co-exist.

Most people just nod and ask me where I stand on Islam.

I was under the impression that not a lot of Americans like it when their politicians talk about faith.

It's only in the bible belt that using religion as an excuse for prejudice seems to be ok.

Case and point, let us remember the words of the late, great, Bill Hicks.

Whatever. I'm sure Tony will enjoy Christmas from whichever church he's sitting in.

I wonder if he'll remember to send some festive cheer to Basra?

It's not news, but who cares?

It's the final of Strictly Come Dancing tonight.

Gethin Jones and lovely pert arse were voted off last week.

All I can say tonight is, ladies, Matt might be cute but Alesha's ex-husband was a cheating dickhead and she's risen above it all.

And she is by far the best dancer.

So she better win. We don't want another X Factor slip up on our hands.

Friday, 21 December 2007

Christmas break down

Its a yuletide tradition that some mode of transport breaks down. Or threatens industrial action.

And this year is no exception.

Airport workers are threatening a strike for after the New Year.

Alright, so its not exactly over Christmas, but it would bring the country to a standstill.

I feel I should explain British public transport, be it bus, train, airplane or communal donkey.

We used to have great transport, so I'm told (usually by people who remember WW2).

If you were born in 80s, like me, then all you can remember about public transport is being charged an extortionate fee for the "privilege" of being made late for work in the cold.

So broken down airports won't change anything.

There was some little shit on the news just now saying he thought it was disgraceful because the unions in this country were supossed to have been broken years ago.

While no one wants another winter of discontent, workers rights are should be fought for.

Pensions, overtime and reasonable wages should be stood up for.

I'm aghast that someone under the age of 30 thinks trade unions are a bad thing.

They were, and still are, set up to protect and help workers who can't afford things like legal fees, healthcare and a decent future.

In a time when affordabel housing is a rumour, we need trade unions.

Mind you this was someone under 30 going away for Christmas. He's proabably too busy being loaded and licking Cameron's arse to find out what its like to have a shitty job.

Merry Christmas airport workers!

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

Team America

The US primaries has more twist and turns than an Eastenders Christmas special.

For those that don't know, Eastenders is like a modern day Dickensian novel - the plots are not plausible, they rely heavily on coincidence and the language is all wrong. But its an enjoyable distraction.

All bets are on as to who might be going head to head for the position of leader of the free world.

It used to be the most powerful position in the world, but as George W. Bush proved, its a position that can be controlled by people who bankrolled your campaign.

Here is a European prospective of who will most likely be running for election and who we would like to see.

The top 3 are:

Hilary Clinton

Campaigning for an end to the war in Iraq and "independent" energy. I'm assuming that means eco-friendly.

Wants to fight for women but has successfully managed to isolate herself from her grassroots feminist beginnings.

Hilary seems spunky behind those pearls (dear God why? Didn't those go out in the late fifties?) but is anyone really ready for Bill and Hilary the worlds most unhappy couple saga again? Just divorce already. It's the 21st century and your daughters grown up. No one will hold it against you.

Barack Obhama

Hilary's main rival. It's been up an down in the polls with these two.

One minute she's ahead, then she gets caught lying and her office are busted sending out emails claiming he's a closet muslim (why is being muslim a bad thing? Being Muslim is not synonomous with terrorism) and then he's ahead in the polls.

The Times claimed that Obama is the only man to close the rift in America between the religious right and everyone else who believes in evolution.

He also wants to end the Iraq war and sort out global warming. But he doesn't wear pearls.

Also managaed to isolate himself from his grassroots beginnings.


Rudolph Giuliani

Former Mayor of New York. Hey, hasn't Hilary also been in charge of that recently?

Mangaed to clean up the city by shipping the homeless out into aircraft hangers.

Wants to win T.W.A.T (the war against terror), despite terrorism existing long before 9/11.

Also wants to keep the second ammendmant and introduce some sort of recognised partnership to dilute gay marriage.

Wants to restrict abortion. I think he should try being pregnant first.

I think I speak on behalf of all Europeans when I say:

America, you've proved yourself to be a land of cultural wealth and liberal people.

Please, please, please do not elect another far-right gun toting moron.

Especially ones that are anti-gay and anti-abortion. We haven't come this far to have it all undone by one idiot who didn't read the bit in the bible about peace. love and turning the other cheek.

And does anyone ever think that God gave the world abortion because he was sick of women getting trampled on?

Anyway, your politics inevitably has a ripple effect over here, so please, remember that.

And we'll do our best not to elect another Tony Blair.

P.S. thanks to Cox and Forkum for their editorial cartoons.

Monday, 17 December 2007

Happy news

Pension campaigners across the UK are celebrating as they look set to reclaim 90% of the money lost when their company collapsed.

Yes, there's a slight change in tone today. Instead of cathartically bitching/slagging/ranting about what ever is in the news, I thought I'd write about happy news today.

And what's happier than a group of O.A.P's getting hammered when they realise they will be provided for in their retirement?



Alright these one's aren't drunk, or in England, but aren't they sweet?

(I'm sorry about this. First thing this morning I sat up watching Scrooged. I'll be angry tomorrow. Promise)

Work and Pensions secretary Peter Hain has tried to take the heat off the Brown goverment by proving they can do something ethical by not loosing/mismangaging/taking kickbacks when it comes to money.

Also in the news

Another day, another gem from the Metro Wierd section.

Scientists have found a new spiecies of rat. It's five time bigger than a city rat and not afraid of humans.

Isn't the internet great?

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Black Christmas

Sir Conrad black has been sentenced to a six years and six months in jail.

Nicking 6.1million from his own publishing empire to fund his lifestyle was probably not the best idea he ever had.






Yes, that's right, an image THAT lavish (or rather tacky) caught him out.

In legal terms he was given a light sentence.

But in Conrad Black terms six years is half the time it would take him to spend the comapny pension.

Still, he can take advice from one couple.




So Lord (or is that now Mr?) sell your story to one of your own papers and get them to pay some of your legal bills.

Oh wait, he's probably nicked half their cash already.

Better still, sell it to a rival paper.

I'm sure they'd love to hear from you in prison.

Monday, 10 December 2007

Crappy headlines and a canoe

John Darwin and his Missus have both been arrested for fraud/obtaining a fake passport/being too stupid.

Yes it's very sad for the sons. Their dad comes back from the dead only to be exposed as a not-very-good fraudster with a lying wife.

Anne's willingness to talk to the Daily Mirror is bemusing.

We can only assume that she needs the money to pay the legal bills.

It's not like she's going to be get help from anywhere else.

Could you imagine being married to a man so useless he couldn't even fake his own death?

And then having to go along with it?

At least the headlines have been suitably predictable.

"Without a paddle" and "Up a creek" have been everywhere.

The Mirror's "My Lies" was particularly sensationalist.

And so ends a year of heartbreaking and fantastical human interest stories.

1.) Maddie McCann.
Beautiful blonde girl goes missing, mother looks distraught and eventually gets blamed by media despite the lack of evidence.

2.) Meredith Kercher.
Beautiful brunette brutally murdered. Beautiful best friend looks distraught and gets blamed by media despite conflicting evidence.

3.) John Darwin and his canoe.
Ugly man goes missing five years ago off the coast of Hartlepool. Once beautiful wife looks distraught and sells story to media.

Aren't co-incoidence's great?

Alright, I know this isn't news based but......

OhMyGod! How amazing is Striclty Come Dancing this year?

I'm rooting for Alesha. We all want her to win so that she can stick it Javine the slag.

But how fit is Gethin? His lovely Welshness has been put to far better use on this show than Blue Peter.

I'll be watching the final in my "I want to get in Gethin" T-shirt. Classy.




Despite looking like a giant quality street I can assure you he is very attractive on Strictly.

Even Jenny Bond said he had a pert little bottom.

And you can't get a better endorsement than a retired BBC royal correspondent. See also Micheal Buerk and his life insurance add.

Friday, 7 December 2007

Without a paddle

For anyone in cyber space who doesn't know about Britain's famed canoeist, John Darwin, where have you been?



No not that Darwin, this Darwin.

The sheer hilarity of the story has breathed fresh life Christmas.

Maybe we should have put his "death" down to natural selection. Or is that his arrest?

Why didn't he stay in Panama? With his half a million and devoted wife?

Couldn't he have secretly contacted his children? Its not like the British police are particularly good at finding things, like, oh, say CD roms with personal information on them.

He used to be a prison guard. 'Nuff said really.

Hartlepool+job rife with corruption+crappy pension=faking own death. Shame a high IQ wasn't added into that equasion.

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

Why it sucks to be a graduate in the noughties.

It turns out that new labour+Alistar Darling+10 year reign+the sub prime thingy=a recession.

Am I the only one peeved at this?

Back in 2004 I entered university, niave and idealistic, and had grown up to believe that if I wanted a fulfilling life and a leafy house in Surrey I should get a degree.

How wrong was I!

With the housing and mortgage market the way it was in 2004 I could afford a shoebox in Brixton.

Now I'll be lucky to buy a milkyway wrapper in Croyden.

Britain's been living beyond its means for a decade, which was fine; until the sub prime mortgages exploded and Northern Rock looked like it would collapse.

(I think they jinxed themselves with the name.)

Now the housing/credit/mortgages markets are due for a recession.

This sucks for everyone. No one likes the prospect of loosing their home.

Still, at least they have a home.

With a recession looming, miles of student debt, and banks getting tighter with their lending, the inevtiabilty of becoming a boomerang kid becomes much, much more imminent.

Also in the news

God bless the metro wierd section!

It gives me faith that common sense is still out there.

Or something gross to laugh at. Whatever. It's still a lunch break well spent.

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

Ready, aim, fire!

T.W.A.T (the war against terror) has exploded in controversy. Again.

Lest we forget the millions of innocents slaughtered in Iraq and Afghanistan and the British soliders who have been universally screwed by the New Labour government.

The US spies have given a "shock" verdict that there are no nuclear bombs cultivated in Iran.

The reason for this late notice of policy change? Stephen Hadley, the White House notional security advisor has said Iran was "one of a handful of the hardest intelligence targets going."

What are these other really hard intelligence targets? They wouldn't have anything to do with "the axis of evil" per chance?

Bush and his evil overlord Dick Cheney, have been booming about an Iranian nuclear threat since invading Iraq.

Will someone please explain to them that until we clean up our own mess, its not a good idea to go invading any more countries.

But apparently Iran gave up on nuclear weapons in 2003. Which was the same year we invaded Iraq.

Conincidence or forsight on that part of Iran? Well those nutter presidents had to be good for something.



Monday, 3 December 2007

News? What news?

Nothing strikes me in the news today.

The English teddy bear woman has been freed. Or as the Guardian Unlimited so eloquently put it "Sudan releases teddy row teacher".

My goodness, what a hint of illiteration can do for a boring headline!

On a serious note, very glad she's free, but the phrase flash in the plan springs to mind.

Is this a news story about a British woman's general suffering or something designed to highlight the dranconian attitudes of Shia law?

All this Islamaphobia has me pining for the cold war. When tensions were high because of epionage and nuclear bombs.....not like now where tensions are high because of crappy intelligence and made up nuclear bombs.

But the depressing reality of the Cold War is never far away.

Putin won with a landslide victory. Again.

The elections have already been denounced as unfair. Honestly, if you're going to elect an ex-KGB officer what do you expect? A hippie shake of the hand as everyone signs a Russian Magna Carta and drinks vodka? Or a psuedo democracy masquerading for the intentions of a few?

In conclusion to today's ramblings, a truth has become inevitable. We are not progressing forward but instead going round.

In the immortal words of Hegel (don't try him. Far too complicated) and Marx (I wouldn't recommend him either. All fantasy no reality) "Every great world event happens twice. The first is a tragedy, the second a farce."