Thursday, 29 November 2007

A media lashing

An English primary school teacher has been imprisonmened and will then be deported from the Sudan, for allowing her pupils to name a teadybear Mohammed.

I'm not going to debate Shia lar. I'll be hear until forever ends and inevitably upseting a lot of people.

But debating Islamaphobia in the media....well its an excuse to slag of the Daily Mail, isn't it?

There really is something very uncomfortable about all of this.

Would the media have jumped all over this story if it was a teacher facing penal punishment for naming a teddybear Jesus in Kentucky? I doubt it.

The Sudan has been newsworthy for quite some time. There's been massive draught, genocide and gang rape. It even featured in an episode of ER. But it didn't feature on the news agenda here.

Talking to a friend recently she commented that "everything's ok in the Sudan isn't it? I mean, I never here about it on the news."

I pointed out that genocide and janjaweed sponsored racial segregation doesn't disappear overnight.

But a nice nursery teacher facing lashings from ancient and mysognistic laws? I bet Rebecca Wade loved that.

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

The missing link

Oh. Dear. Gorden. That nasty David Abrahams scandal really completed the fall of a financial house of cards for you.

Northern Rock, 25 million details lost and now a donations scandal dodgier than cash for honours.

All you need now is a mild race riot and that's you pretty much finished isn't it?

Shame! You spend your whole life trying to get your dream job and when you finally get it, it turns out you're not good at it.

I think I've found the source of your problems.

Remember black Wednesday?It seemed so simple didn't it?

And then a man with massive eyebrows made it all go wrong.





Do you see the similarity? Clearly there is an eyebrow based conspiracy afoot.

Much the same way that most evil dicatators have funny mustouches, useless Chancellors will have terrible eyebrows without the common sense to prune them.

Sack him now and get back to screwing up the country a little less than Tony did.

Monday, 26 November 2007

The show must go on

David Irving and the head of the BNP are joining in a debate at the Oxford Student Union on free speech.

The satanic nature of both of these fine examples of human excrement has caused an uproar and led to several other speakers pulling out.

PC culture may have its advantages (such as a move towards equality and an improvement in manners) but it has always clashed with free speech.

I would never condone the actions of the BNP or David Irving. The first is a party that has built its reputation on exploiting peoples fears surrounding those that are marginalised and have no voice.

The second is an egotistical twat whose sheer idiocy has only fuelled embarrassment and anger on all four corners of the globe. Both are clearly delusional.

However, in the age of T.W.A.T, there are few values that are more precious to a democratic society than freedom of speech.

This will not be a televised debate. Oxford students are (we hope) incredibly bright and will be able to expose David Irving and Nick Griffin for the delusional idiots that they are.

If we deny this debate then we deny what is an important and proud tradition of the West.

Also in the news

MI6 are starting a recruitment drive via Radio One.

I think I speak for the entire nation when I say please, please, please take Chris Moyles.

Not to hire as an agent but to practice rendition techniques on.

Normally I find the practice abhorrent but in this case I'll make an exception.

Friday, 23 November 2007

Oh Darling!

Another day, another cock up at the Treasury.

First Darling lost 7million, then it was 15million, and now its 25million.

There's a (justifiable) uproar about this bumbling incompetence. There are rules in place for a reason and if the Chancellor and his department can't follow the rules they make then why should the rest of us?

On top of all of this, Darling faces accusations of a cover up.

Well, you would be a bit scared if you lost the personal details of a third of the nation you were in charge of, wouldn't you?

One would have thought that the man in charge of the money would when to take the bank's advice and notify the relevant people as soon as identity theft looks imminent.

We probably should feel sorry for Mr. Darling. I don't know what it feels like to have the whole country bating for my blood, but I'm sure it can't be pleasant.

This is after Northern Rock and having to live permantly in Gordon Brown's shadow, metaphorically and literally. And let's not forget those eyebrows. Those horrible, horrible eyebrows.





At least Mr. Darling may have a job as an understudy in American Pie when he finally decides to do the honourable thing and resign.

Maybe he should talk to Sir Ian Blair about that.

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

Mine's a gin, Gorden

Gordon Brown is calling the heads of alcohol companies to his Downing Street dungeon to dicsuss under age drinking.

The remains of anti-social behaviour can be seen splattered all over my home town on a Saturday and Sunday morning. Still, there are some far more fundamental problems than cheap booze.

For starters, if you want to stop under age drinking why not try giving teenagers a cheap (or possibly even free) place to go on a Friday night. Just because Mr. Brown speant his Friday nights in with his Mum doesn't mean we have to.

Let us reference the gospel according to Lady Sovereign "I used to hang out in a community centre/they tore it down and replaced it with an Asda". Ah, that tricky modern predicament. Leave up community centre and create peace and harmony in the local area or tear it down, erect a cathedral of capitalism and flog white lightening cider until you can't count the zeros on your net profit report.

As a former binge drinking teenager I would have quite happily swapped white lightening cider in the cold damp for a cheap half-decent coffee in the warm. Gordon would be surprised by the calming affects central heating has on teenagers.

The packaging and money off deals is too stimulating for teenagers. Apparently.

I don't know how many teenagers Gorden has spoken to, but an over riding cyncism for cheap, patronising packaging will be prevelant among teenagers as long as Kurt Cobain remains a demi-God of the depressed.

Teenagers are much smarter than anyone gives them credit for. They have to put up with GCSEs, AS levels and A2 levels while trying to retain a sense of autonomy and have fun.

And when was the last time Gordon had to live for weekend? Before Gorden starts lecturing everyone on binge drinking perhaps he should try working all week, either at college or at Tesco usually both, and have everyone be rude to him for just doing his job.

Then he can recieve his massive pay cheque that amounts to fuck all and face that important choice; live like a nun and stay out of debt, or live like a normal person.

Go on Gordon, talk about morals and values when you're scraping together the money for a packet of baccy that will calm you down when facing a mountain of mock exams and essays.

On second thoughts, if David Cameron's hug a hoodie crap was spine scrapingly embrassing, imagine Gordon donning a hoodie and nodding along to N.W.A. It's enough to make me run for the gin and tonic.

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

Not fit for purpose

HM revenue have lost a disc containing the details of 25million claiments.

This comes a day after new tests were proposed to see "what people on benefits can do, rather than can't do."

Is this some sort of sabotage? Has someone decided to kill two birds with one stone and loose benefees in hope that the Home Office can save some money?

Its impossible to take Alistar Darling seriously when announcing an economic crisis because of
a.) his eyebrows
b.) his surname bringing back memories of Blackadder goes fourth.




People are already calling for Darling's resignation but let's think about this rationally. Where would he go?

He can't go the Education, his eyebrows would terrify the children.

He can't go to Health, his eyebrows would terrify the patients.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that they only people that aren't terrorified of his eyebrows are civil servants and bankers. Leave him where he is.

After all, Brown needs someone to blame for all his mistakes catching up with him.

Monday, 19 November 2007

Northern rock doesn't put out that easily.

Northern rock has announced that offers made to by the bank out have been undervalue.

I can only assume that Northern Rock are still expecting to be paid for their company.

Really, they should being paying other people to take the wreckage of a bank off them.

They've only themselves to blame. As much as it pains me to say this; people have a bed credit history for a reason. Maybe its a bad idea to sell them MORE credit.

And what would Northern Rock do with all the houses it reposessed from its loyal customers?

Would they
a.) turn them into much needed housing for low income families.
or
b.) develop them into plush flats for their high earning employess to live in.

I think you can figure that one out for yourselves.

In other news today

The Queen celebrated her 60th Wedding anniversary.

Woolworths rejoyced as they could finally sell off some crockery with Prince Philip's face on it.

And in prepartation for a Tory landslide at the next election, Brown's government nicked more policy from them by tightening up on benefits.

Friday, 16 November 2007

Where's everyone gone?

Over the past few weeks Gorden I'm-all-about-civil-liberties Brown has put forward plans to extend the time you can hold terror suspects.

Despite already having the longest length of time to hold someone without telling them why in Europe and the US, we want longer!

I think the French did something like this once. It was called Letters de Cachet and citizens were tossed into the Bastille without being told why. The Bastille was a bit like Guatanomo bay, except with French people instead of Muslims.

Co-incedentally the word terrorism was first coined during the French Revolution.

I'm sure Mr Brown will waffle on about protecting freedoms.

I had no idea protecting freedom was the same as taking it away.

There always seems to be someone taking about protecting Britain's traditions in a time of uncertainity blah blah blah.....

But no one wants to protect the tradition of Habeas Corpus. And isn't Habeas Corpus an example of a civilised society?

Has it not always been argued as a case for liberal intervention, particularly in Iraq, that people are taken away without explanation or trail?

I would be worried, but its probably one of the upsides of the modern age that global warming will get us first.

Wednesday, 14 November 2007

Ban the bag!

Looks like the days of the plastic bag might be numbered.

Numerous cities around the country a joining a protest to ban the plastic bag.

Might this mean that I no longer get patronising looks from fellow shoppers when I re-use my Sainsburies bag for life?

Or will fellow shoppers just hate me for my smug, I did this before you therefore am superior, glow?

Let's look at the important facts: My state of middle class smugness is irrelevant when the planet is becoming unihabitable for humans.

With the loss of plastic bags....

What will the homeless do for makeshift heating in winter?

Will the murder rate fall as the plastic bag can no longer be used as a weapon?

And will that scene in American Beauty adopt a new meaning now that the plastic bag looks set to become a luxury item? Actually, no, the sheer pretentious nature of that scene will always shine through. Plus the guys eyebrows in that scene are way to bushy to take anything else seriously.

Of course the ban the bag campaign has been met by some scepticism.

Apparently the death of the planet is still met with "it'll be bad for the economy" grumblings in some quaters.

Has anyone tried explaining that there will be no economy if the planet dies to these people? And that there will also be no illegal immigrants for them to scape goat with their own failings?

How is banning the bag bad for business and the economy? Surely businesses would save money by not having to produce plastic bags.

And production of old lady wheely bags will go through the roof!

Let's start a new campaign! Save the wheely!

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

Nananananannanana Blair!

First a quick apology for not blogging regularly to the people who read my blog. Or rather the vast empty vortex of the internet as no one really seems to read this.....

But aw, fuck it!

I didn't blog for a while. The internet was down. We shall speak of it no more.

Right, who wants to slag off Sir Iain Blair? I do!

So the guy in charge of the Met doesn't want to resign and formally apologise for shooting dead an innocent man.

But he wants to keep fighting crime in the capital, just like he did on this case.

His previous tactic of fighting crime by committing crime doesn't appear to have worked.

I'm sure someone has explained to Sir Blair that he isn't Batman. That he is infact a police officer. And the only reason Batman committs crimes to combat crimes is because he is billionaire superhero. Oh, and he's a fictional character.

Maybe Sir Iain would look good in a Batman outfit.

And by good I mean ridiculed by every journalist within the circumference of the earth for renacting his childhood fantasies.

Would it give us some sense of justice? I doubt it.

After the rumblings about what Sir Blair had to do to try and keep this inquiry from happening it appears that not even a resignation would balance things out.

And who said that T.W.A.T (the war against terror) had to take place over seas? We've got it at the tube station now.

That should save time and money. Maybe we can use the money we save to sort out that NHS thingy.

After all, Jean Charles de Menenzes could have used a better hospital service if the police hadn't been so good a shooting.

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

Revolution or uprising?

That "political turmoil" in Pakistan is getting worse.

Think Burma but much, much, much more violent. And without the monks.

Instead it's the nation's laywers that are fighting for the constitution and democracy.

No, I didn't think I'd ever get to write that either.

It's a grey revolution. Though, unfortunatly, not a bloodless one.

Once General Musharraf looses the army that's it.

He's already screwed it up with the high court. But that's what tends to happen when you place the highest judge in the land under house arrest.

Maybe he'll accept it. He can step down, retire, maybe go to a dictatorship convention and swap moustache growing tips along with torture ideas and human rights violations.

Or maybe the Americans will intervene and redeem themselves from the massacre that was Iraq.

It's unlikley. Here's an opporunity for the pioneers of T.W.A.T (the war against terror) to do something good. They'd help an ally, rescue some innocent people, and get points from the equalities board.

Instead its sanctions all round with a slice of mild disapproval.

Oh well, I suppose they had to find something for Condelezza to do after their war in Iran didn't happen.

Monday, 5 November 2007

A bloody idiot

I wouldn't usually do this. One blog a day is cathartic. Two, well that's just plain indulgent.

But fuck it, I'm in a fabulously filthy mood.

I wrote about a while ago about former Tory MPs jumping to UKIP. This couldn't be a bad thing for the party, as they were clearly filtering out the racists.

Well it didn't work well enough.

Some idiot Tory MP said Enoch Powell had it right with his rivers of blood speech.

I'm sorry, what?

Was it not enough for this Brommie racist that THAT speach had been political suicide for Mr Powell?

That the speech had probably made staple Tory vampire Norman Tebbit blush with shame?

Or was he just stupid enough to think with the current political climate surrounding immigration, he could probably get away with praising Mr Powell's apocalyptic interpretation of the future of Britain?

All Tories take note: when making a speech on anything, NEVER EVER use crusade imagery.

British people only like to remember the crusades via Robin Hood. You remember, it was that half enjoyable movie that Kevin Costner ruined by starring in it.

No one wants to remember the scenes of the Holy Land in choas caused by the British.

Here in England, we like to ignore it even when it counts as current events. It's just too bloody painful. And it's been going on for forever!

So why? WHY? Would you want to bring that up? You're only going to steal BNP voters. And thankfully there aren't too many of them.

Democracy dies. Again.

What a difference a weekend makes!

Pakistan is in a state of emergency.

Was I the only one who thought that it was a dictatorship and therefore permantly in a state of emergency?

Apparently not. There has been a constituion in place and some sort of justice implemented by High Court judges that aren't complete puppets.

I'm not sure how "liberated" a country is when 7th century rape laws are in place, but, well, I'm sure Masharraf would argue that a violation of women's rights are just semantics.

Musharraf is displaying all the syptoms of a dictator on the way out.

News channels have been shut down. High court judges have been suspended or placed under house arrest.

One has mysteriously disappeared. I sincerely hope he fled.

It does make me wonder if the Pakistani leader has been taking lessons in how to appear paranoid and delusional from Robert Mugabe.

Well, they both have dodgy moustaches.Maybe that's where all their evil lies......

In fact, has there ever been a dictator that hasn't had a dodgy moustache?